These clowns are so committed to being your partners for peace, dear Israelis, that they will completely ignore their own people and instead send you groveling video messages – because only YOU understand that granting VIP perks to a select elite of spineless collaborators is the one true path to lasting apartheid..err, peace.

1. The white girl from Arabic class She wanted a tutor and he wanted a study buddy from the opposite sex to boost his confidence in this new land (and he’s taking Arabic for the same reason).  It’s more of friends-with-benefits since he’s just looking for female companionship and she wants the good grade. When he dreams about her, he doesn’t see them running through green fields, he sees a Green Card, and sex.  She may start to see a different green: Ay-rab money green. Things go great until she completes her foreign language requirement. A few months later she dumps his broke, hairy ass, to which he can only respond “ilhas.” Four months is better than none, so he begins searching for summer Arabic courses.
2. The activist She is cool, smart and not judgmental, at all. Meaning, she’d screw anything. He’s glad to play the exotic Arab bit.  She’s the closest thing to the Hollywood depiction of a woman who will go home with a man after meeting for the first time.   He spotted her at the local falafel shop and remembered her from some protest a year ago (because Arab men remember seeing people like that. I swear). She is very informed and sympathetic to the cause. He tells her, “hey, they are screening this new documentary movie, would you like to go with me?”  The next date is to hear a speech by Norm Finkelstein. At the local Indian restaurant he finds out the hard way that she is a vegetarian! That is an enormous turn-off.  He eventually gets sick of all the super intellectual conversation 24/7. Things fall apart when she leaves to Ramallah for an International Solidarity Movement trip. She moves on and has no regrets getting into her next Mohammaden fling.
3. The girls at the club who asked for a smoke Nothing to do in the little town and fresh off the boat, he sees a Latina and she’s total hotness. She sees him as possibly-Latino but more garlicky.  She asks if he’s got a cigarette, a major green light. Their major beef is the classic Arab-Latino debate: “You know I love Shakira, she is Arab.” She always yells back, “NO! She is not, habeebee.”  It’s extremely fun and Latinas can be easily mistaken for Arab girls, which comes in handy when the accidental Facebook photo goes up.  But her inexplicable Catholicism becomes and eventual deal-breaker. But that’s cool. he was never going to marry her anyways.  She was just way too much fun.
4. Flirt-to-Convert Prospect She comes to the Friday prayer services and she wears a head cover, you think she is interested in Islam and she tells she would convert if she married a Muslim guy. Sounds like serious marriage material, right? He even starts checking in with the parents back in Yemen to see if they will be cool with it, before even talking to the girl. Since she’s got Sami Yousef on her iPod, he thinks he found love. She is smart and good looking, but something isn’t quite right about her.   It could be she was playing Muslim as part of her class study experiment, or she was just a little nutty. If she converts and dons the niqab, it’s the latter.
5. OMG Sana is not Arab! She looks like an Arab, she talks like an Arab, but she isn’t.  She’s kind of like the halal version of the Latina.  Actually she may be cooler than most Arabiyyat because she’s got less crazy hang-ups and anxieties.  So, it could work. Most Arab men will initiate conversations with Sana, captivated by the enigma of her ethnic origins but immediately turn away once they find out she’s actually of Kashmiri extract. But, she’s cool with it. She is, after all, better looking than all Arabs and comes with less drama and less make up, or so she thinks. The risk is he gets scared by how much of the Koran she’s got memorized, the perfection of her Arabic pronunciation and he throws her in the friend zone.
6. The fellow intern Though most college men think they will get nothing out of an internship, because they know everything already, they hoped for this.   Working along side him, or possibly seen as an event for interns, he spots her. She’s as novice and clueless as he is, so maybe he actually can impress her.  Their both away from home and lonely, and that’s the secret to his new found charms. She is either from his home country or from Lebanon; while they never really date, they always do stuff and people start talking around the office. He may want to do the right thing and meet her parents, but they know he still has to pay college loans.  They’ve got a charming physician lined up for her, but she is going to marry that handsome lawyer instead. She is a lot better looking than he was anyways. Being in close quarters all summer fooled them into love.
7. The home girl After all else failed, this one can be found at the local church or mosque, community event or family-friend party (ideally she’s friend, not family). But they really cannot rush love, but their moms can so hitting on is actually encouraged by the parents.  Sad but true.  In fact, if he does not hit on her, his mother will say some mean shit:  “Your hair is turning grey,” “you are balding,” “Your grandma thinks you like boys” or “I’m very sick and this is my last wish.”  None of this is true, but screwing with his head gets him to act. And one day he spots her at a relative’s wedding and since they have a mutual friend, it kind of just happens. Congrats. Game Over. You Lose!

[Tarboush Tip: Sana, Will]

In a recent op-ed from New York Times (“Muslims in the Middle,”August 16th) contributor William Dalrymple writes that “many of our leaders have a tendency to see the Islamic world as a single, terrifying monolith,” unable to discern between the varying “complexities and nuances” rampant within a community of faith that envelops some 1.4 billion of this world’s inhabitants, spanning across each continent. He ties this brief discussion of the collective failure to distinguish between extremist Muslims and moderate Muslims to the recent debates and discourse pertaining to the controversy around Park51 – or, as it was erroneously and grotesquely labeled by opponents: the Ground Zero Mosque. In this ellision, he actually ends up masking as much diversity in the Islamic tradition as he hopes to reveal.

Dalrymple begins on the right note; he is most certainly right that our leaders are “dangerously” unequipped to understand the variations which exist within the global Muslim community, both in belief and practice. And certainly this has dire effects on policy and ways to engagement with the Muslim community, abroad and at home. Yet Dalrymple contributes to a dangerous trope that is increasingly overtaking the larger discussion of Muslims and Islam in the United States.

Dalrymple points to Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf role as one of “America’s leading thinkers of Sufism” which he defines as a “mystical form of Islam […that] couldn’t be farther from the violent Wahhabism of the jihadists.”  Pointing to instances of violence against them in South and Central Asia, he argues that is the Sufis who are at the “forefront” of the war against violent Islamism, risking “their lives for their tolerant beliefs,” to which he then draws a comparison to U.S soldiers fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan. He continues that Sufism is the “pluralistic incarnation of Islam” and the form which will ultimately mend the relationship between the East and West and is seen as a real threat by the violent jihadists who, especially in recent months, have shown their hatred for the “infidel-loving, grave-worshiping [apostates]” by targeting, for instance, holy shrines. Dalrymple concludes that to fight Islamic extremism, the West must recognize and encourage the pluralist version of Islam.

Like many others, Dalrymple is quick to make the “Good Muslim/Bad Muslim” distinction: there are certain Muslims out there that we cannot trust, who despise us; these are bad Muslims. At the same time, however, there are certain Muslims who we can work with, who will help us fight the bad Muslims.

The Jihadists are the bad Muslims; the Sufis are the good Muslims.

All of a sudden the “complexities and nuances” Dalrymple seemed so keen on stressing early in his piece become completely lost on the writer as he makes a black and white distinction on whom to trust and who not to trust. The complexities and nuances of the global Muslim community are designated two categories and the West has to pick one because the ultimate goal is to not actually build any bridges but to, rather, win the fight against extremism. Dalrymple further commits the subject of his own critique by looking at Sufism as a monolith, completely overlooking its various forms, some of which are not exactly thrilled about all things Western and “modern,” such as the Darul Ifta Deoband who are prominent in South Asia.

To designate the monopoly over pluralism and dialogue to the generic label “Sufis,” Dalrymple not only picks a “right” IslamforWesterners to get behind, completely watering down the meaning and history of Sufism as an intellectual, spiritual and ascetic movement with roots pre-dating Islam, he also puts Muslims who do not adhere to “Sufism” as part of a camp with which dialogue and the so-called ‘fight against extremism’ is not possible. If one is a Sufi, then one must automatically be tolerant. If one is a Salafi, then one must automatically be intolerant and an extremist. No complexity. No nuance.

Tarboush Tip: Hanitizer

KABOBfest’s Chaim Sugarman is tweeting his coverage from Glenn Beck’s “Restoring Honor” rally currently taking place at the steps of the Lincoln memorial in Washington, DC. Below is a compilation of his most recent tweets:

1)      Although the Rally is supposed to “honor MLK,” very few Black folks appear interested in doing so.

2)      Collective IQ of the rally is 196.

3)      Word is Rev. Al Sharpton is holding a separate, but equal, rally.

4)      One old lady passed out from heat, the shout “Any body here is a doctor” prompted ruckus laughter.

5)      Many criticize Glenn Beck for choosing the anniversary of the “I have a dream” speech, in reality, it’s the only open weekend in the NASCAR schedule all summer.

6)      Those here who don’t watch Glenn Beck regularly, mainly police and medics, are confused as to why the title “Restoring Honor” is applicable.

7)      Just got a call from Will, there are no Qur’an burning, Anti-mosque protests, or peeing on mosque rugs events schedule anywhere around the country today.

8)      So many St. Louis Cardinals on the speaker roster I’m afraid Fadi will join the Tea Party.

9)      Slideshow on giant monitor is sensational, looks like Spielberg’s work. Plenty of black folks appear here actually.

10)      When was the yellow snake emblem added to the American Flag?

11)      Narrative changed: Rally is about people, then about honor, then God, then MLK and Lincoln, then civil rights movement. Reminds me of the invasion of Iraq.

It’s very, very important that the Ground Zero Mosque moves forward quickly. It’s our monument to Jihad. You see, it is the third phase of our four phase Al-Qaeda strategy plan. Without this essential edifice, we will not be able to fulfill our “Jihad in America 2010″ pledge to our donors. While we’re only behind a few years at best, we’d like to have this accomplishment in the bag by year’s end for our 2010 annual report.

Back in 1995, we developed an ambitious five year plan. We were in Sudan, and feeling like we were going to get kicked out any minute.  Boy were we right.

That’s when I had my top thinkers put together this timeline, which our consultants recommended every organizations needs.

We figured we could launch a major attack on the United States in 2001, which would draw them into some Muslim country (little did we know we’d get two for the price of one!).  Phase one was carried out very competently in September, 2001.  It drew the United States in to wars that only weakened it, and pissed everyone else off.  It really put us on the map and proved to be better advertising than all the internet chatrooms in eternity.

During the second phase, in which we wanted American occupation, Muslim resistance would grow, and would spread to Muslims in the West.  Americans would freak out over the sight of anything Muslim and act to prove wrong all the Muslims who foolishly think they can assimilate into the West. We and our American friends would both see this as a clash between civilizations, which squeezes out all the bleeding hearts in the middle.

After the election of 2008, we’d start the third phase while I was in hiding. We’re there now.  The plan said that a group of seemingly mainstream Muslims would seek to build a trophy mosque to celebrate our 2001 attack. Located close enough to the site of the 2001 attack so a man pulling a dialysis machine could make the walk comfortably, this plan would set off a furor in the country. Lacking the legal tools to stop it, our enemies would first try using obscure municipal commissions to stop the building and then, in desperation, appeal to ideas they’ve always loathed, such as the need to respect the political sensitivities of historical victims.

The inability of our enemies to stop the building of a lovely shrine to the heroes of Al-Qaeda would drive them crazy and cause them to not only embarrass themselves with tacky demonstrations, but would push them to turn to crazy and violently loopy tactics. Their craziness would divide the country and alienate the political supporters of the liberal leaders too cowardly to say anything. This would get so ugly, and it would be so shocking to everyone, it would push even more Muslims around the world into joining Jihad against the West. Ha ha ha ha ha. I am an evil genius. yes.

The fourth phase would come after this building/shrine goes up. We would set it up with swimming pools and basketball courts, which we would use to train athletes for Jihad. When it gets so crowded that one must wait minutes just to ‘work in’ at the bench press and reserve the racquetball court hours in advance, we’d know that we’d be ready to topple Washington and move the capital to Baluchistan.

So, as you can see. The Ground Zero Mosque is really important and we’ve all worked so hard up until now. Do not spoil it. As the American satanic imperialist Kevin Costner said in ‘Field of Dreams,’ “if you build it, he will come.”  He, of course, is me.

Osama bin Laden is the leader of Al-Qaeda.

Every so often, as you listen to your iPod on shuffle, you will hear a song, a lyric, a word that will seem so perfectly poignant that you wish you could tell someone. More often than not, you’re on a bus or a train or a plane, earphones in, and there’s nobody around who can share your moment. I’m currently in a painfully anonymous airport for a soul crushingly long layover – and I find myself in this very predicament.

On the plane here I was snoozing while listening to my Zune (yes, I’m that guy who refuses to buy an iPod) when I was startled awake by the abrasive electronic beats of Dan le Sac vs Scroobius Pip, a moderately little known British hip-hop duo. Thou Shalt Always Kill is their most famous work and it was this that aroused me from my slumber. The song is a kind of remix of the 10 commandments, rapped by Mr. Pip over the top of the aforementioned abrasive beats. The content oscillates between humorous critiques of pop culture (Thou shalt not pimp my ride, Thou shalt not shake it like a Polaroid picture) and political and social commentary (Thou shalt not buy Nestlé products, Thou shalt not steal if there is a direct victim).

In amidst the wit and froth, one line – one tragically poignant line – hit me like a tonne of bricks:

Thou shalt give equal worth to tragedies which occur in non-English speaking countries as to those which occur in English speaking countries.

You see, I’m in Bahrain, about to board a flight to Karachi, Pakistan. Maybe you’ve already heard, but just in case you haven’t here are some stats which shed some light on the devastation caused by flooding over the last month in Pakistan:

• 17 million people affected
• 1.2 million homes destroyed
• 5 million homeless

Are we, in Europe and the US, giving this tragedy – the devastation of which has been assessed by the UN as worse than that experienced in Haiti after the earthquake last year, and worse than South East Asia following the 2004 tsunami – equal worth to tragedies which occur in our countries? If not, why not?

Try to imagine 5 million people, made homeless in the space of weeks. That’s over 500,000 more people than reside in the Phoenix metropolitan area. Homeless. In a country where over 60% of the population lives on under $2 a day.

The number of people who are suffering in Pakistan right now is simply staggering.

I have no real idea what I will find as I arrive early tomorrow morning, but I know that the Karachi I left behind on my last visit less than a year ago will be a very different city tomorrow.

Thou shalt, thou must, give equal worth to tragedies which occur in non-English speaking countries as to those which occur in English speaking countries.

Ramadan Kareem to all those fasting. Those that aren’t and are DC-based, meet me for an Iftar Happy Hour tonight in Dupont Circle. Yeah, that’s how Buydatti roles.

For more info on these fools, check out www.edandmoeshow.com

[Tarbous Tip: Wolf]

A Sri Lankan maid whose Saudi employer allegedly hammered 23 nails into her arms, legs and forehead is set to undergo surgery Friday, while government officials meet with Saudi diplomats in Colombo over the incident.

L.P. Ariyawathie, a housemaid who worked in a household in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, was held down by her employer’s wife while the employer hammered the heated nails, said L.K. Ruhunuge of the Sri Lanka Bureau of Foreign Employment.

The degradation of guest workers, of foreigners, is just one of the many retrograde trends in the Gulf. Though worker abuse and violence against lower classes and castes is not limited to the Gulf, the mistreatment of housemaids and others is too frequent in Saudi and other Arab households.  That hardly makes more acceptable such egregious cases.  And it is not clear that the corrupt and authoritarian regimes there have any interest in doing anything about this.

There is a culture of impunity around guest and migrant workers. Note that in this especially blood-curling case, the wife held her down as he hammered away into her.  That a conspiracy among partners was involved makes this more horrifying; a single perpetrator acting alone is possibly an anomaly.   That is, of course, unless the husband threatened the wife as well, thereby forcing her collusion.

Embedding nails in another human being was their ghastly punishment for the crime of her complaining about being overworked, which she likely was. Other less-overtly violent forms of abuse happen publicly. As much as this is an embarrassment for Gulf countries,  their feeble counter-efforts have done little to stem the tide.  Nimr wrote about the lax laws and cheesy public awareness campaigns that do not hold much promise.

Some countries, Kuwait for example, passed legislation improving worker conditions, setting hours, requiring health care and even allowing courts to sentence abusers with jail time. Whether they do is another question entirely. These are moves in the right direction, but appear inadequate.

As the UN pointed out, the fundamental problem is the sponsorship system, which binds guest workers to citizens, giving the employers all the leverage. This makes them something like indentured servants; functionally, they are shades away from being the chattel of a slavery system (which we do see in modern human trafficking, a global problem).

Even if the laws change, the problems are also partially socio-cultural. In part, such treatment exhibits a latent racism. It is reserved for guest workers of darker complexions, from countries such as Sri Lanka, Bangladesh and the Philippines. Perhaps short of racism — and I stress “perhaps” — is the sentiment that housemaids do not deserve much more than the bare minimum in terms of food and payment, and humiliation is often part of the job. Sarakenos observed this in Amman. This strikes me as giving way to the types of violence we see in this gruesome case of L.P. Ariyawathie.

Arabs need to turn even insulting household help, drivers and maids, into a taboo.  Those who humiliate or demean the people who dedicate their lives to helping them for little pay, and only to provide for their families, should be ostracized and made into social outcasts. It is a pathetic practice that goes against human decency, let alone some of the best wisdom and behavior of the prophet:

• “Feed the hungry and visit a sick person, and free the captive, if he be unjustly confined. Assist any person oppressed, whether Muslim or non-Muslim.”

• “Pay the worker his wage before his sweat dries.”

• “Have compassion on yourself and on others and Infinite Compassion will be given to you.”

He had a back pillow, his book was wrapped in a zip lock bag, only carry on. He was tall, athletic, and All-American. He looked like he was part of a death march.  No emotions whatsoever and he was sitting in our row’s aisle seat, meaning he was running the airplane’s checkpoint.

I mean c’mon, there were two Arabs with two different last names reserving seats next to each other heading to DC. It must have raised a flags somewhere. Once we deplaned in DC, he was there waiting to board the same plane that was headed back to the same city we’ve just left. Maybe he just loves flying or has vacation time and is using it to boost his miles.  Nah!

I was so bored yet inspired (“borspired”?) that I grabbed a napkin and wrote him a light spirited rap song:

I got on the plane to head to Vegas and back

I said to myself, it’s the best place for poker and blackjack

But seated next to me is a big and tall, huge man Jack

He smiles and unloads crap from his backpack

This dude makes me dizzy and their lack of snacks

I think it was stale pretzels nobody ate

I could not think to pick something from the gate

A chatty taxi driver and his GPS made me late.

It was fear and politics, not loathing, that gave us this disunited state

You worry about me, I worry about putting food on the plate

It turns out the dude next to me is muscular Air Marshall Jack

Stuck on a plane next to air Marshall Jack

I say my name and shout “Hi Jack!”

He freezes, tenses and goes on the attack

Everyone now is looking and they put my hands behind my back

I am Arab, guessing this is now the new black or Arizona wetback

Everybody is now saying I yelled hijack

I say this is absurd and ask for some slack

There was a bag and I see no light and it all gets dark

All I can think is“don’t tase me bro”

Skip the in-flight entertainment, I’ve become the show.

Forget me and remember the Alamo.

Boss was right; I should have changed Mohammad to Moe

You cannot just do this without an intro

And tell me to Gitmo and I will go

Stuck on a plane next to air Marshall Jack

I make out a voice and ask where is my Miranda?

I am a local man with no foreign agenda

I am not the threat like the land of the panda

But then there was smack after smack

He tells my maybe I should go back to Iraq

I say maybe I should stick to the Amtrak

A dude high in rank says they are sorry and start to backtrack.

Now they realize I was being frank and it was their guy who was whack

I have seen many agents till I cannot keep track.

I walk home and now know it pays not to know Jack.

Nothing changes not even with Barack

Stuck on a plane next to air Marshall Jack

[Tarboush Tip: Programmer Buydatti, Will, Steve S.]